MCCAIN – “OUT, DAMNED SPOT”

Not to panic anyone, but my faithful readers would be best advised to sit down. I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just gonna come out and say it. There’s something on John McCain’s head. The AP writes:

Republican presidential candidate John McCain had a bandage on the top of his head on Monday

OHMYGOD! What’s on John McCain’s head? A band-aid?!?! You mean, he’s not made of steel? But what is the band-aid covering up? Could it be cancer again? An alien brain probe? A government tracking device? I don’t know. What I do know is that McDonald’s is offering Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuits at the low, low price of 2 for $3 and it’s the most delicious deal I’ve had all day.

As an aside:

Dear The Press,

I know Tim Russert’s dead which means the rest of you have no idea what the hell you’re doing, but next time the AP and Reuters think about doing a story about John McCain’s band-aids and the rest of you decide to carry it, you can all go fuck yourselves.

Forever Yours,
The Chuck Todd All-Stars

Tim Russert (1950-2008)

I met Tim Russert once at an event at the Metropolitan Club in Manhattan. I was introduced to him by the president of my university. At the time I was serving as president of the Student Government Association. Mr. Russert was given my name and told about my position on Student Government. He then extended his hand to mine with the greeting “Mr. President…” I’ll never forget that day. He was truly a giant in journalism and is one of the reasons I came to love politics.

OBAMA IS A MUSLIM, HATES AMERICA

According to Britain’s TimesOnline, Barack Obama is getting ready for the election by starting a war room, but it’s not really a room, it’s more like a series of tubes. The Times explains:

A crack team of cybernauts will form a rapid response internet “war room” to track and respond aggressively to online rumours that Barack Obama is unpatriotic and a Muslim.

We’ll see about that, cybernauts. The All-Stars should be all over your radar with this outrageous headline and this suggestively Muslim photo. I heard one time he robbed a lemonade stand at gun-point and used the proceeds to help Iran enrich uranium. Oh yeah, and did I mention that Barack Obama also hates apple pie and baseball and is secretly planning with al Qaeda to take over the United States if he gets elected? I mean, the guy doesn’t even wear a flag pin on his lapel all the time? That has to mean something! I just hope we find out before it’s too late…

Call me, Barack.

FOUR MORE YEARS!

Yesterday, Senator John McCain fired back at those who are trying to paint his candidacy as George W. Bush’s third term. According to MSNBC’s First Read, Sen. McCain said:

Sen. Obama says that I’m running for a Bush’s third terms.  It seems to me he’s running for Jimmy Carter’s second.

This McCain guy is tenacious! It seems like he is doing everything in his power to make sure Jimmy Carter won’t run this country into the ground and thank god for that! Jimmy Carter’s first term was back in the day before McCain was married to his second (read: hotter) wife Cindy. Why would he want to go back to a time when he left his disfigured and disabled wife and their children to stick it in some hot blonde with millions of dollars? What Obama wants to do is annul McCain’s marriage and make him go back to the shrew that loved him and supported him throughout his young career and nursed him back to health after returning from five years in a POW camp. What a dick!

BILL CLINTON PULLS MAD BOX

Bill Clinton may have been unfaithful to his wife. Shocker:

Actress Gina Gershon’s lawyers demanded that Vanity Fair retract a story by Todd Purdum that Gershon’s counsel claimed insinuates that she and former President Bill Clinton were seeing each other while his wife was campaigning to become the Democratic Party’s nominee for president.

FINALLY. Gina Gershon is a babe, and good for Clinton for maybe beating her hole. There’s no question that Bill Clinton loves the ladies, and personally, I never thought he should have gotten in trouble for cheating on Hillary’s dried up cootch. His real crime was hooking up with a cow like Monica. You’re the damn president! Get out there and get that good stuff! You mean to tell me there wasn’t some 22 year old hardbody waiting in the wings somewhere? A movie star or a model or something? You were the damn President and you would have me believe that Monica Lewinsky was the best you could do?!? At least when JFK cheated it was with an international sex symbol not some size 12 average looking intern. How dare you, sir.

CLINTON AND BUSH ARE BOSOM BUDDIES

ABC News reports that First Lady Laura Bush had a few kind words for Hillary Clinton. Mrs. Bush said:

I know what its like to run those campaigns, to be the candidate and how very difficult it is both emotionally and physically. It’s a huge endurance, process of endurance, and so I’ll have to say I have a lot of admiration for her endurance and strength.

What the fuck is Laura Bush talking about? The time she ran for PTA President against Deborah Fuller? I hear Crawford, Taxas was never the same after the contentious Bake Sale of ’88. Laura poured her heart and soul into those snickerdooles and for that bitch Debbie to come along and steal her thunder with mini strawberry tarts! That is the kind of heartache and disappointment Hillary must be feeling right now. Snickerdoodle heartache. Unless there’s some sort of election for sitting around looking vacant with a smile on your face, Laura Bush knows dick….Cheney, that is! Hey-o! Nailed it!

OBAMA IS AWESOME

Presumptice Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama was out biking on Lake Michigan with his family and neighbors this weekend, looking like every toolbox father on the planet with his cross-trainers, stone washed jeans and pea soup colored polo shirt. The AP writes:

The Illinois senator and his wife, Michelle, rode to a neighbor’s house with their daughters, Malia and Sasha, on Sunday and the group then headed out for the ride along the scenic lake shore. But the outing was cut short by a downpour.

If I know anything about black people, and I basically know everything about black people, it’s that they’re hip. If I know anything about Dads, and at this point I can’t believe that I’m not a dad myself, it’s that they’re the opposite of hip. Barack Obama contradicted my blackspertise with this shameless display of Dad-calibur lamness. Shouldn’t Obama be on the couch yelling at his kid to tie two porkchops together to make the big piece of chicken or to rub some tussin on it?? I’m gonna have to go back and consult my Bigger and Blacker DVD African-American studies materials.

JOHN MCCAIN IS LISTENING

In a daring move that only a political maverick like John McCain could make, the Republican presidential nominee has toughened his position by coming out in support of President Bush’s warantless wiretapping program. The New York Times writes:

Mr. McCain believed that the Constitution gave Mr. Bush the power to authorize the National Security Agency to monitor Americans’ international phone calls and e-mail without warrants, despite a 1978 federal statute that required court oversight of surveillance.

Well, I’m screwed. I  downloaded a copy of the Anarchist Cookbook in 7th grade so I have to be on a government list somewhere. As a result, I’ll likely be wiretapped and John McCain is gonna get an ear full. Why can’t we live in an America where an unassuming young man such as myself can satisfy his ”assassinating the President” role play phone sex fetish? Is it too much to ask that I pay $3.99 per minute plus a small connection fee to talk to the horny girl of my choice about all kinds of hot grassy knoll action?? Why does John McCain hate my deepest sexual fantasies? Stay tuned to Chuck Todd All-Stars for the answers!